I have not been able to write for awhile.
I have stared at the computer many times, and wanted to type, but there seemed to be nothing important to say. Or, if I wanted to say something, no way to get it out. And I thought, “Why can’t I type? Why don’t I care right now?”
To be honest, I haven’t cared. I have been too wrapped up in working, making money (we took a pretty big hit financially to make this job switch), coming home and resting and playing, waiting for the next phone call from Casper (our friendly impersonal computer program which doles out the Teacher on Call jobs each evening and morning), hoping for the magical run of 4 days in a row when my pay jumps from $190/day to $330/day, which, praise God, did happen 4 times this past month. In October, as a sub-teacher, I have almost made as much as I did for HCOS last year, with half the workload and a quarter of the stress.
But there I go yapping about money again.
Spiritually, it’s been a strange month. I have asked myself, “Why am I not seeking Your face Father? Why do I have little desire to do so?” In Psalms 27:8, it says, “When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.”, but I have said, not right now Father.
And to be honest, that’s ok. I am learning to say, it’s ok. Because there is a reason, and I am learning to relax and not try to earn God’s favour by “doing all the right things.” I was reading about Henri Nouwen today in Soul Survivor, and he found even in doing all the right things, he still longed for more. The answers are not found in being a “good Christian” (whatever that means)
But I think I am pretty clear on my reasons for withdrawal. It is a bit of a recurring theme in my life. My wife and I were both attending counselling for awhile, and we explored some pretty deep issues. And I have found that when the deepest parts of me get touched, I have always had a tendency to freeze, withdraw, grow still, curl up, protect, pull back. And I understand that, and that it’s ok.
Thank you to those who wondered where in God’s green earth and digital space I’ve been. Strength is found in weakness, wholeness only in brokenness, and freedom only when we realize the limits of ourselves. I think I am learning to enjoy the limits.
“With the help of the thorn in my foot, I spring higher than anyone with sound feet.” Soren Kierkegaard.